Going to the movies.

When you go to a movie you are subjected to, literally, a half hour of commercials and previews. I know. I timed it. By the time the movie starts, you don't necessarily feel like watching a movie anymore. Either that or you've forgotten which movie it was you actually paid to see.

The Meaning of Life.

It's funny how a bad movie can turn out to be really good. You just need a few days to think about it.

I watched the movie Elizabethtown last week. I didn't think it was that great.

It was kind of boring. There was too much talking. I was expecting some light quick-paced romantic comedy. It wasn't.

Upon thinking about it, it was a lot more. It's about how we get so tunnel visioned in life.

In this case, up and coming shoe designer, Drew Baylor, spends eight years working on a shoe design that bombs once it hits the market.

"A shoe is not just a shoe. It connects us to the Earth." It's my favourite line in the movie, because we always find away to overrate what we do.

Of course, while Baylor was working on the perfect shoe, he missed spending time with his father, who dies right around the time his shoe design fails.

Baylor plans to kill himself, since his whole life, which was wrapped around a shoe, is over. Baylor is fired from his job and dropped by all his so-called-friends, who only cared about him when he was a success.

Baylor has to postpone his suicide plans to take care of his father's funeral arrangements. Along the way, he discovers there is a whole world out there that he's neglected because he was so focused on one goal.

I think the movie is true to life, although a little exaggerated. We do create our own little bubble of self-importance. We focus on one or two goals. And we can tend to shut others out while we work towards these goals.

So the question becomes, what are we missing in our lives? What should we let in to bring us more balance? You need to be balanced when the bubble pops. Otherwise, you'll fall, like Baylor almost did.

The Christmas Spirit

I've just been to hell and back, braving the big box stores during the Christmas rush.

I normally avoid the big box area. Not only is it always crowded, but it's poorly designed. Whoever laid out the streets likely took his cat with him. Wherever his cat walked, that's where he laid down some pavement. There is no rhyme or reason to the crisscross of streets.

Anyhow, I went because I was desperate. I knew exactly what I wanted to get my brother, the last person on my list. I just couldn't find it, so I risked near collisions with bad drivers and rude shoppers in store after store after store.

The Christmas shopping is done now. My hard-earned money went straight from my bank account into the pockets of Best Buy and Winners. I'm just doing my part to make sure the rich stay rich and the poor get poorer.

While most of us are in financial debt in one way or another, we had no problem handing over $36.8 billion to stores during the month of December in 2005, according to Statistics Canada. This year our spending is supposed to increase six to seven per cent.

I think the left-leaning magazine Adbusters has it right. We should have a "Buy Nothing Christmas" and stick it to The Man. Of course, the economy might then collapse . . .

Ghost of holidays past...

It's funny how some people can leave an imprint on your soul. Occasionally, the memory of them sneaks up on you, like an old ghost.

It doesn't matter that they hurt you years ago. And it's probably a good thing they live miles away. You haven't thought of them in a caring way in years, but suddenly you find yourself missing them deeply, even needing them.

You pick up the phone and put it down again. It's better to keep those feelings under lock and key.

It's a gamble.

You occasionaly hear of someone who steals hundreds of thousands of dollars over the years from their work to support a gambling habbit.

This doesn't make sense to me. I don't know what the maximum pot is at a casino, but if you are able to score $200,000 from your work without it going missing, I say, don't gamble it. Quit your job, take your newly claimed cash and move to another province, perhaps under a different name.

It will be like you won, but without all the hours in a casino.

Living Skies

I am reading a collection of short stories by Angie Abdou called Anything Boys Can Do.

In the story "Shady Valley," Abdou has a nice description of Saskatchewan, a very underrated Canadian province.

"The sky is huge, enveloping them whole in a turquoise blue more brilliant than any tropical ocean. You can see and see and see and see - no trees or mountains blocking the view. The land rolls in a lullaby covered with bright yellow canola . . ."

People can easily admire the ocean or the mountains, but it takes a special eye to appreciate the vastness of the sky or of a field.

Blink of an Eye

December and January aren't real months to me. They just whip by in the blink of an eye.

I'm still not in Christmas mode yet, even though I've been to one Christmas concert, and one of the local radio stations switched to playing all Christmas music, all the time, for the month of December.

Technically, according to Wal-Mart, it's been Christmas since the day after Halloween. It amazes me how quickly they can reshelf their seasonal aisle.

Yes, I'm certainly not in Christmas mode, even though the media is already propelling towards the New Year. I saw my first "top stories of 2006" story.

Christmas is already old news before it happens now.

Killers and Sins

A good friend of mine with a little too much time on his hands decided to anagram my name.

He came up with "seen any killers" and "really keen sins."

Yikes. Killers and sins? No fuzzy bunny rabbits for me. Perhaps it's appropriate because I covered the crime beat for two years as a journalist, which is why nothing phases me anymore.

Now I'm onto more uplifting subject matter - education and the arts, which is why nothing phases me.

Poetry and Prose

A friend of mine was recently told she should stay clear of poetry and write fiction only. It was a prestigious literary editor that made the observation.

My friend's poetry wasn't making sense to anyone.

But I don't think she should give up on poetry. If it doesn't make sense, it probably means she was being abstract, instead of using concrete images. That's all. She can learn to use concrete images.

Poetry is a craft. It can be learned. I hate people who say give up instead of learn.

Mind you, I'm in limbo right now. In the last week, I got two rejections from literary magazines. One with a penciled note saying: "Interesting poems. Try us again later." And the other was a half page typed letter saying: "This is usable material. Now here's my critique..."

While those are better than your standard form rejections, it's still no publication.

Path to Enlightenment

I have come to an obvious realization. That things only bother me if I let them.

I should not worry about what other people are doing. Yes, my neighbour plays his music too loud and the cocky kid in karate once again budded in front of me in line, even though he's a lower rank.

But it only bugs me, if I let it. To get angry isn't worth it. To greet an annoyance with patience and acceptance is a challenge worth taking . . . a very difficult challenge.

Surprise Attacks

There are certain hazards to owning a cat

For instance, my cat has developed a recent fascination for shoe laces. I'll be tying up my boots and from out of no where my cat will lunge forth and attack my laces with great fury.

There's nothing more challenging than trying to tie your shoes with a cat taking swings at, not only your laces, but your hands. I've gotten a few scratches here and there.

Now I have to tie my shoes in hiding.

I wonder what a cat whisperer would have to say about that? Probably nothing my cat wouldn't laugh at.

Hot Stuff

My girlfriends and I went to the hospital cafeteria for lunch today.

We do that from time to time, even though we aren't visiting anyone specific. The food is pretty good and so are the male nurses and young doctors who work there.

While there, I was thinking what would happen if there was a fire. It would be impossible to get all the patients out, especially those on oxygen or those out on the surgery table.

Hopefully, they have a good sprinkler system.

A Different Planet

It always amazes me how two people can watch the same movie, newscast or whatever and have a completely different opinion of what they saw.

Take for instance The Usual Suspects, which I thought was a total waste of time since I figured out the ending well before it ended.

I ruined it for the people I watched it with, because when you figure out a movie like that you have to make your predictions out loud. No one will ever believe you figured it out if you make your predictions after the movie.

I didn't think there was much to The Usual Suspects, but many people disagree.

Hence why there will always be conflict in the world. Our opinions, beliefs and perceptions are built of brick. It takes a lot to knock a brick structure down and it's always a chore to rebuild.

Drama and Documentary

I went to the Laramie Project last night. Essentially the Laramie Project is a play about how the 1998 murder of Matthew Shepard ripped apart the community of Laramie, Wyoming.

Instead of having a normal play structure with traditional acts and scenes, the Laramie Project was pieced together like a documentary with actors reciting actual interviews from the residents of Laramie.

The Techtonic Theatre company spent a lot of time in Laramie doing the interviews with the residents, so it was really neat to see what is essentially journalism in the form of drama.

T-Shirts

I was looking at my collection of t-shirts the other day, particularly those that were gifts from friends or family.

One says: "100 per cent Grade A B*tch"

Another says: "Do I look like a freakin' people person?"

A third says: "Does not play well with others"

And a fourth says: "You can't see me."

Hmm. Perhaps my friends are trying to tell me something?

Hail the copycats!

Weapon of Choice, by Fatboy Slim, is a super cool video.

How can you go wrong with Chrisopher Walken dancing and flying through the air?

Now what's weird as that there has been more than one university student who has felt the need to copy this video.

Recently, both the University of Saskatchewan and McMaster University had students do so.

Although the U of S one is funny and the McMaster University one is okay, these students have way too much time on their hands.

Never have I felt the need to recreate a video, let alone post it to the Internet.

That said, when I saw the U of S video I had to send it to 50 of my bestest friends.

Weird

A young person, like me, who has the exact same name as I do, died on Monday.

As a result, I've been fielding phone calls. People want to know if I'm still alive.

Strange.

The Honest Truth

Honesty is deeply valued in our society. Yet no one really values the truth.

In fact, we're all a bunch of liars in one way or another.

Let's say you are at the store and the cashier asks you "how are you doing today?"

Your response will likely be good, even if you just came from the dentist after an intensive procedure. The freezing is wearing off and you feel a sudden wave of nausea.

If you were to be honest, you would say: "I'm actually in an immense amount of pain. I feel dizzy and about ready to throw up on your floor."

But no one wants to hear that and so you say: "I'm good. Thanks for asking."

The Internet

The cover story in this week's Macleans magazine is about why the Internet sucks.

The article notes that, at the dawn of the Internet age, idealists believed the world wide web would create an enlightened utopia.

In reality, Google's top 10 searches, last year, were Janet Jackson, hurricane Katrina, tsunami, xBox 360, Brad Pitt, Michael Jackson, American Idol, Britney Spear, Angelina Jolie and Harry Potter.

An enlightened utopia? I think not. I am proud to say I did not google any of those things last year. I did, however, google Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Jake Gyllenhaal. And I like to think of myself as an intellectual. (I'll ignore the laughter).

So what if the Internet celebrates mediocrity through self-indulgent blogs of people who think they can write. And so what if the nut jobs on both the right and left use the Internet to call the mainstream media biased and manipulative because the media is not promoting their said values. If the Internet was gone tomorrow, I would be very disappointed that I couldn't look up the trivia I need to know, like how old my favourite Survivor player is.

Clouds

I'm not much of a joiner, but sometimes there is the odd band wagon you just can't help but jump on, like the Cloud Appreciation Society.

You're not healthy, unless you have an obsession.

Just Justin

I was in my car tonight listening to JT's Justified album when the song "Take it from here" came on.

It begins with JT saying "Sometimes, sometimes the world gets hard."

And much to my surprise I said: "Tell me about it, Justin."

Unfortunately for me, Justin won't be my Broadway show on review, so he can act out how God was when he made me. (I'm not kidding, the lyrics are more or less along those lines).

Debt

"Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first." - Mark Twain

Worldly Fascinations

When the World Karate Tournament was hosted in Canada this past fall, there was a multicultural performance that included First Nation dancers in traditional garb.

The German karate team was very fascinated with the First Nation outfits and had their photos taken with the dancers. Many Canadians certainly would never show that same level of appreciation or interest.

Germans are interested in our "cowboy and Indian" history. I guess they have interests that extend beyond David Hasselhoff.

Future Sex

I want to have FutureSex.

Why do I feel like a lesser person for wanting to buy a Justin Timberlake CD? I guess I don't feel justified in doing so.

Candle Light

I went to my first candle party. It was pure hell. It made me feel cheap.

The seller of the candles, also known as the "consultant," was, of course, a young single mother trying to make a bit of extra cash. (And to be a consultant you have to buy your own catalogues, samples, etc. So the young mother likely had to put up a lot of cash to start this "business.")

The cheapest candle there was $32, but on average most of the merchandise ran for about $85 or more. Did I mention these were candles she was selling?

I'm a writer, so I don't make a lot of money. There is no way I'm dropping $32 on some candle I won't be able to use, because my cat will probably knock it over.

Of course, being the one person who doesn't buy anything, I won the door prize, which was probably paid for out of pocket by the young mother.

The idea behind these parties is that as a guest you are supposed to later volunteer your own home for a party for the consultant to come and sell candles to your own friends and families. Well, most of my friends and family are artists, writers, journalists or work in independent film. They don't have the money either for a $32 candle. So I certainly will not be hosting a party anytime soon.

In the end, I just ate the free food and left, feeling like a cheap and lowly impoverished human being.

New and Exciting.

Tonight, I made a great discovery - paranormal romance novels.

Does it get any better than that?

And I thought I knew everything, but apparently there's a whole genre of literature that was just waiting to be discovered.

Knick Knacks

Why do we feel the need to buy things we don't need?

A few weekends ago, I bought a black rubber duckie. I certainly don't need it. I don't collect rubber duckies. I just thought it looked cool.

Today, I was very tempted to buy a Halloween snow globe. Little bats were mixed in with the snow. Again, not something I need.

If I was a millionaire, I would have a house full of useless (but very cool) knick knacks.

Slippage

"A slip of the foot you may soon recover, but a slip of the tongue you may never get over." - Benjamin Franklin

Word Choice

The word birthday sometimes seems strange to me. It is what it is. "Birth" day. It's so literal.

Couldn't we have come up with something more creative?

We don't call a couple's anniversary weddingday.

Although anniversary is a very generic word. Not only is an anniversary a time for romantic celebration, it can also be a time for mourning, as even Sept. 11 has an anniversary.

Maybe weddingday would be better word for a couple's anniversary. And Sept. 11 would be plane-takes-out-world-trade-centre day.

Insensitive

This month, both CSI NY and CSI Miami had real-life dead bodies turn up on set. Very odd coincidences.

Someone commented to me that this sort of coincidence was kind of cool.

Really? Have we been desensitized that much to think a real dead body turning up on the set of a TV murder-mystery type show is cool?

I think so.

Yep. I know it's sad.

And can anyone believe that we have three successful CSI shows on TV? Really, the shows are that popular? I guess Americans love David Caruso's melodrama as much as Germans love David Hasselhoff.

Every country needs their own David to love.

Co-workers and Family

We spend more time with our co-workers than our own families. And sometimes all we have in common with those co-workers is the fact that we all just walk on the same piece of carpet for eight hours a day.

This was a very valid point brought up by Tim Canterbury on BBC's The Office. Sometimes TV can be so profound.

Haunting

Someone e-mailed me a photo of John Travolta in a loin cloth. It was a publicity shot taken early in his career. I bet he's embarrassed to see that photo now.

A writer friend of mine was asked to walk a tight rope to promote a book he wrote. They also wanted him to wear tights while he did this. He said no because he knew that if he did the photos would come back and haunt him.

The moral here is be careful what you do in front of a camera.

Modesty

Why is it when we are younger we seem to know everything?

When you listen to teenagers talk you want to say "shut up."

They are a little like David Brent on BBC's The Office - obnoxious know-it-alls who think they are comedians.

As you move into your 20s you are knocked down a few pegs. Perhaps you're not as comedic, but you still know a lot, even though life has taught you some tough lessons.

Does modesty come with age? I guess there is only one way to find out and that is to get old.

Idol

This is the first year that I am not watching the Canadian Idol finale.

Normally there is at least one interesting person in the top two. Not this year. They are both a bunch of lightweights.

Winners of past shows are still around. Ryan Malcolm is fronting some band called Low Level Flight. Kalan Porter is working on a sophomore album with his BMG label.

Other idols are still active in the "scene," most notably Jacob Hoggard. You just have to do your homework to find these idols, because CTV is horrible for updating their "where are they now" page.

Some of the idols could be hugely popular today if they were marketed better. The public will buy anything if it is thrown in their face - just take that Paris Hilton song as an example.

What is it good for?

"Never think that war, no matter how necessary, nor how justified, is not a crime." - Ernest Hemmingway

Smile

I hate when random strangers tell you to smile.

To them, I want to say "shut up." Or, at the very least, put my acting skills to the test by crying and telling them my dog just died.

Why do some people feel it necessary that we should walk around smiling like idiots all the time?

I once had a job at a grocery store where the manager gave me hell for not smiling while I was taking out the trash. I was in the back room. No one could see me. But, apparently, I still had to keep up the appearance of a happy work place.

I don't know about you, but I prefer my smiles to be genuine, not forced.

Royalty

A friend of mine once observed that the Queen's wave is probably done in a small and controlled manner to reduce the amount of tricep extra skin jiggle one might expect from a woman of her age.

Perhaps this is true. I cannot test the theory as I lack a good tricep jiggle, due to some muscle I somehow acquired.

Although, I imagine even without the controlled wave, the Queen's jiggle is probably well-hidden, as I don't think she wears sleeveless shirts. Such clothing, I imagine is for the peasants, like me.

What am I saying? I don't wear sleeveless shirts either. Perhaps, this means that I'm of Royal blood. I've just fallen really, really far from the tree.

Transport

"The civilized man has built a coach, but has lost the use of his feet." ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

Invincible

Every now and again someone you thought invincible dies.

Princess Di was one of those people. The Crocodile Hunter, Steve Irwin was another. News of their passing kind of takes you by surprise.

Friends of mine always say if you are going to die young, it should be in a creative and unusual manner, like being killed by a hippopotamus. Being killed by a stingray is close enough, I guess.

There have only been about 30 stingray deaths worldwide in recent years, as stingrays are known to be quite gentle animals.

As a side note, I was amazed at how quickly Wikipedia posted the news of Steve Irwin's passing. It was almost as quick as the news wires. Wikipedia was also pretty quick to re-write his biography in past tense.

As another side note, did you know that hippos account for more human deaths than any other African mammal. I guess it's because they are rather territorial animals whose habitats are often trespassed upon by farmers and tourists.

Reindeer Games

Did you know reindeer and caribou are the same frickin' animal? It's true.

The animals are typically called reindeer when roaming wild in Scandinavia, Russia, Siberia and China. But when roaming wild in North America they are called caribou.

When I was first told this, I didn't believe it. I had to look it up myself, which hurt the feelings of my friend who told me this, as she thought I was questioning her credibility.

But, hey, I've worked in the journalism biz long enough to know you always get the information from more than one source, that way you know the info is probably true.

Who Cares?

Recently someone took offence that I used my blog to declare Nirvana's Nevermind as one of the greatest albums of my generation.

"Who says?" The person asked me. "And why should we care that you think that?"

Maybe this person is a little new to blogging, having asked "who says?"

For those of you who don't know, a blog typically has an "author," some Joe or Jane Blow, like myself. They then use the blog as an expression of "free speech."

Typically, the author writes the blog for themselves or for their friends, and if other people happen to read it, that's great.

If you don't care for what the blog author has to say then he or she would simply ask that you don't read their blog.

A blog author does not liken themselves to God delivering the 10 commandments. However, if you wish to take the blog author's writings as sacred, I'm sure the blog author would be very flattered.

If you have a problem with someone expressing their opinion then get off the Internet.

Pluto and its Power

Pluto's demotion has had such a profound affect on people, it is making them do crazy things. I know one guy who took it as a sign that he should quit the high-paying job that he has held for 17 years.

"You, Pluto, are not fit to be held within the oval rings of our self-centered universe," the Rockstar Poet said. And with that, some people, like the man mentioned above, felt they weren't fit for their own jobs.

If Pluto couldn't continue being a planet, then they couldn't continue being a fire fighter, or whatever.

Bad to the Bone

It takes a certain talent to be really bad at something. It's easy to be mediocre or dull. But to be truly awful, that takes skill.

Maybe that's why William Hung became so very popular in his own way. He was so bad on American Idol, he was more memorable than most of the good singers who made it to the next round.

As Kathryn and Ross Petras put it, in the introduction to their anthology Very Bad Poetry, it takes a certain "enviable confidence that allows one to write despite absolutely appalling incompetence."

The best of the best.

One of the best albums of my generation is Nirvana's Nevermind. Hands down.

And you don't have to take my word for it, Rolling Stone magazine listed the album at number 17 in its 500 Greatest Albums of all Time issue, right between Blood on the Tracks, by Bob Dylan and Born to Run, by Bruce Springsteen.

While there are a number of classic albums on the list, one that's missing is MC Hammer's Please Hammer Don't Hurt'em.

I know there's a lot of you closet case Hammer fans out there. You don't have to be ashamed.

Etiquette

Sometimes there are etiquette questions that can't be answered.

Like, for instance, if you are at a baseball game and you have to get up to go to the bathroom, do you push past the people in their seats with your butt facing them or with your crotch towards them? Which is more polite?

One friend once asked me: “How late can you arrive at a funeral before it’s considered rude?”

I think with funerals you pretty much have to be on time.

Expiry

It's annoying that the food in my fridge has a deadline to be eaten. Eat by August 26, 2006 or else. I already have enough deadlines in my life. I don't need to be told when to eat my food too.

Who makes up these expiry dates? What methods do they use in doing so? What's the margin of error?

I sometimes eat food past the expiry date. I paid for the food, damn it, so I'm darn well going to eat it, even if I die of some sort of food poisoning.

If it smells okay, it should be okay, right?

I know a guy who once left an uncooked steak on his counter for a day or two. He later cooked it and ate it and lived. So what's the big deal?

On faking it...

"I'd rather be hated for who I am, than loved for who I am not." - Kurt Cobain

Crazy Town

Have I told you lately that I'm crazy?

It's true.

On Friday, at midnight, I got the urge to rearrange the furniture in my apartment by myself. And I did it. I dragged and pushed everything around.

Most 26-year-olds are out partying on a Friday night. Not me, baby. I'm redecorating.

Like I said, I'm crazy.

High Art

"There is no freedom in art." - T.S. Eliot

If you want to make money off your art, then that quote is definitely true. If you want people to respect your art, then that quote is definitely true.

If you make art simply for yourself and keep it in your closet, then you are free and that quote is wrong. Make whatever you please.

If you disagree with me on this, you are delusional, know nothing of craft and have never made money from your art.

Chuck Norris' Bubble

Today, I picked up a postcard of Chuck Norris. There is an empty speech bubble above his head.

I'm trying to think of something clever to put in the speech bubble.

Why is it always impossible to come up with something clever when you need something clever to say?

Yet when the stakes are low, I'm a f---ing comedian.

I also have some police evidence stickers a friend gave me. But, again, I have no clever place to put them.

Thoughts on Pluto

Poor Pluto, it's been demoted. It's no longer a planet, because it hasn't "cleared the neighbourhood of its orbit."

Apparently, its orbit overlaps with Neptune. I guess, also, there are some other large objects in and around Pluto's orbital path.

I don't quite get this decision, since Earth certainly has its share of objects hanging around its orbital path. And Jupiter is surrounded by thousands of Trojan asteroids.

I mean Pluto is a large round rock that orbits the sun. What else do you need to be a planet?

Apparently, if Pluto had remained a planet, there would have been at least three other objects that would have had to have been named to planet status as well. And you wouldn't want to have that. Students can only be required to remember so much. And nine planets were already way too much.

The elimination of Pluto is going to screw up people's mnemonics. Most people remember the order in which the planets are distanced from the sun with the mnemonic: "My Very Excellent Mother Just Sent Us Nine Pizzas." Now how is that mnemonic going to work? It's been ruined. No one is ever going to be able to come up with another phrase. That would be impossible.

Poor Clyde Tombaugh, if he was alive, I wonder if he would be disappointed about Pluto's new status. Tombaugh was the one to discover Pluto when he was just 24-years-old.

Apparently, only five per cent of the world's astronomers voted on this decision to demote Pluto. It's kind of like the voter turnouts at university student council elections. Maybe most astronomers don't really care.

Is Pluto really a planet? From what I've read, it's one of those questions that will never be answered with certainty.

Anyhow, I've given this topic way, way too much thought.

An Afternoon Stroll

So I was out taking a stroll around the lake today, checking out the athletes in the national canoe and kayak championships, when I noticed three women sitting in a tree. Upon closer inspection, it looked like they were doing some sort of spell.

That's right, boys and girls. The Witches of Eastwick are rigging the national canoe and kayak championships. Forget steriods and just go for a little old fashioned magic. That's all it takes to win these days.

The Right Stuff

Is it weird that I have New Kids on the Block songs in my MP3 player.

All I'm saying is, if my neighbour is going to play some old Kenny G tunes on his saxophone with the skills of a three-year-old, then I think I'm entitled to blare some NKOTB.

So you better hang tough, because I'm a child of the 80s. I've got some bad sh*t in my music collection. I recently bought the Tears for Fears greatest hits. You got a problem with Synthpop music? Huh?

A Bunch of Words

"We just write down a bunch of words, and pray to God they make sense. And if they don't, it doesn't matter. We're artists.” - Tom Delonge, Blink 182

Glitter on the Highway

Until today, my brother had never heard the song Love Shack, by the B-52's.

How this is possible? I don't know.

For me, the song is associated with a horrible memory of my sister and I being forced to sing it karaokee. We were so horrible, everyone in the room stopped what they were doing and stared.

Perhaps we sounded like dying sea gulls. I don't know. No one said anything. They just stared.

And that is why I will never ever sing in public again.

Aging

Saskatchewan writer Donna Caruso once said she is "aging as gracefully as a gargoyle."

I fear I am suffering the same fate.

Pulp

I just wanted to thank the Black Eyed Peas for ruining the song Misirlou for me.

Thanks to them, whenever I listen to Misirlou, performed by Dick Dale & His Del-Tones, I hear the phrase: pump it.

Here’s a little thing you probably don’t know about the song Misirlou. Before it became a signature song on the movie Pulp Fiction, it was on the 1963 Beach Boys album Surfin’ USA.

But it’s not a Beach Boys original. The song was first performed by the Michalis Patrinos rebetiko band in Athens, Greece in 1927. It even had lyrics, and was performed at a slower tempo.

In 1941, Nick Roubanis, a Greek-American music instructor released a jazz instrumental arrangement of the song, crediting himself as the composer. Since his claim was never challenged, he is still officially credited as the composer today.

In the 60s, the song was rearranged as a solo guitar piece by, the pinoeer of surf rock, Dick Dale after a fan asked if Dale could play a song entirely on one string. It was Dale's version of the piece that introduced Misirlou to the United States.

The Beach Boys were inspired by Dale and thus included their own version on Surfin’ USA.

Misirlou, by the way, means Egyptian girl.

Who knew one little song from Greece could gain cult-like status, not only in rebetiko and surfer rock, but as a popular belly dancing tune that is also heard at Jewish weddings and now in hip hop circles.

As an interesting side note, Dale has been known to keep wild cats, like a lion and tiger as pets.

Apathy or Bust.

The rise in Canadian soldier deaths over in Afghanistan is starting to bother me. Primarily, because I saw an obit for a soldier my age in my own local newspaper. It's beginning to strike a little too close to home.

And that recent Canadian terror plot was a little frightening. It's been a long while since Canada has suffered the wrath of terrorists, which makes me appreciate how sheltered Canadians are. Thank God, for instance, we don't have to live in the Middle East, where your chances of being blown up are significantly higher.

There are a lot of wars going on that shouldn't be going on. Start with Africa and work your way up. It's hard to believe that we as humans are so stupid. There doesn't need to be suffering in the world. There really doesn't have to be. Yet beliefs are so strong and so different. And greed is so powerful. There will always be war and starvation. Always. Because humans will always be stupid and things will always be complicated.

It amazes me that people are so willing to give up their own lives and give up other people's lives. And for what?

I've read too many history books and too many newspapers. I know why the world is why it is. But what can I do, but try not to think about it. Because it's frustrating and angering.

I guess it's better to live in the comfort of apathy.

Where I get it from...

I can seem a bit prickly at times, but it is usually with the intention of being funny. Yes, my jokes are deadpan and understated. If you don't know me, you might have to hit the mental rewind a few times to get my jokes.

But my whole family is like that.

For instance, my sister recently made light of my grandmother's memory loss when discussing what to buy her for her birthday.

Me: "New clothes perhaps?"

Her, straight-faced and serious: "Well, we probably wouldn't have to buy her anything. We could just take the nicer clothes from her closet, wrap those and give them to her."

My mom: "That's true. And she would never know."

Don't worry. We were joking. Although from an outsider's point of view you wouldn't be able to tell, unless you knew us.

What is life, if you can't make fun? Even at the worst of times.

We would never give my grandmother her own clothes as a gift.

Madness

"The courage of the poet is to keep ajar the door that leads into madness." - Christopher Morley

The Infamous Tide Stick

Everyone is raving about the Tide stick. And I must admit it works pretty good.

In fact, for many people, spills are now exciting. Can the amazing Tide stick do it again?

The Tide stick is quickly becoming a hit at parties. A writer friend of mine deliberately spilled coffee on his favourite white shirt and then, later, red wine. He wanted to put the Tide stick up against impossible odds.

"This better work," my friend said. "Mordecai Richler gave me this shirt and he's dead!" (As it turns out, this was a slight exaggeration. Noah Richler gave my writer friend the shirt. Mordecai had once given the shirt to Noah, but it was too small for Noah. And my friend snagged the shirt before Noah had a chance to donate it to good will.)

Anyhow, the Tide stick got out the coffee and the red wine. It's miracles like that that are making the Tide stick infamous.

Recently, I was in Edmonton working on a documentary. The cameraman and I went out to dinner. It wasn't long before the cameraman slopped all over himself. Out came his Tide stick and it was only moments before we had a small crowd gathered at our table oohing and awing over the wonderment a Tide stick can bring.

"Ohmigod is that a Tide stick," people would say, before joining the throng of spectators at our table.

Yeah. I know. It's crazy, but true.

Myths and Lies

I am beginning to understand how the mythology that surrounds real history is created. It's started by liars like me.

As a cruel and distasteful experiment, I told some people that there was an untold story to the World Trade Centre tragedy. There had been a swimming pool in one of the towers. When the towers collapsed, there were people who had been swimming who couldn't get out.

There was no swimming pool in the World Trade Centre. It was a complete fabrication. But people believed me. I corrected them with the truth. But if I hadn't, they could have passed this lie onto others and a myth would have been born.

Life's Art

"God is really only another artist. He invented the giraffe, the elephant and the cat. He has no real style. He just goes on trying other things." - Pablo Picasso

Surgery

Plastic surgery is pretty horrid. Perhaps, one day, we will look at plastic surgery and see it as barbaric and as stupid as foot binding, or so said Angela Montenegro, a character in the TV show Bones.

According to the latest tabloid magazine, Ashley Simpson had a whole bunch of plastic surgery. She got rid of her trademark nose for a more generic one, even though her nose made her unique.

Screw genetic science. We don't need advances in genetic science to all be born generic beauties. As children, we should all be sliced up and reconstructed to look ideal.

What's a little mutilation for beauty?

Schizophrenia

"Writing is a socially acceptable form of schizophrenia." ~ E.L. Doctorow

Jesus H. Christ

I have been doing some deep thinking lately about the expression "Jesus H. Christ." What does the H stand for?

For lack of anything better to do, I looked it up.

According to some, it stands for "Harold" or "Howard," as in "Our father, who art in heaven. Howard be thy name." Or Harold be thy name?

Some say the H stands for "Jesus Holy Christ" and was shortened to "Jesus H. Christ."

There is another theory out there that says it stands for "Haploid." The haploid is the number of chromosomes found in the gamate of an individual. Whatever that means. I hate biology. Maybe, since Jesus had no biological father, he was shortchanged in the chromosome department.

Others say the H refers to the IHS logo found in Christianity. IHS is an abbreviation of "Jesus" in classical Greek characters. The Greek pronunciation is "Iesous," with the E sound being represented by the character eta, which looks like an H. When the symbol passed to Christian Romans, that eta became an H, which was an H to them.

Or, perhaps, the H comes from the Latin inscription INRH that was tacked on the cross by Roman soldiers: "Iesus Nazarenus, Rex Hebrei" (Jesus the Nazarene, King of the Hebrews). Although that inscription may have actually been INRI: Iesus Nazarenus, Rex Iudaeorum (Jesus the Nazarene, King of the Jews).

Who knows? Those are just theories I came across.

Drought

I've been going through an e-mail dry spell lately, which is pretty sad.

Over the last few days, I log on and the inbox says zero messages. Even my spam bin reads zero.

C'mon people, what's with the no junk mail? Am I suddenly that despicable that I don't even deserve junk mail? Normally, I get a ton of spam. Lately, nothing. The world must be coming to an end. No junk mail.

Sigh. Okay, I guess I can handle the no junk mail part. I really don't need any new psychiatric drugs or whatever else the junk mail sells. Really, I don't.

Awaiting revenge.

"After scolding one's cat, one looks into its face and is seized by the ugly suspicion that it understood every word. And has filed it for reference." - Charlotte Gray, Canadian historian and author.

No Talent

One thing I find when watching shows like Canadian Idol is that my taste is completely different than the rest of the nation. The people I tend to dislike, the country loves.

I take that back. Perhaps, my tastes don't differ with the entire nation. Rather, it differs with the 12-year-old girls who call in and vote. Girls who wouldn't know talent if it bit them in the butt.

Look what happened with the Much VJ search. Everyone knows Erik Bartik should have won, but alas the teenage girl vote went to the stuttering and shy Tim Deegan. Since when did stuttering and shy become valued qualities in a TV host?

Laziness

Why is it difficult to break a pattern of laziness?

I used to be really good at waking up at 6 a.m., for instance. And now I always need to sleep in until 8 a.m. It seems impossible to wake up at 6 a.m. now, even though I could use the time in the morning.

Getting used to it.

You think after a lifetime of being excluded one would get used to it, but one never does.

Even when you know you don't fit in with the group, and know they know too, it still hurts to be excluded.

The same goes for not fitting in. You think one would get used to having a mutated personality that makes it difficult to make friends.

But, alas, no. You never get used to it.

Fame and Fortune

I wonder if celebrities are insulted when we don’t recognize them.

Throughout my life I’ve encountered a number of different “famous” people, some of whom I would not have known until someone told me who they were.

I’m particularly bad with professional athletes and country singers, because I’m just not that interested in what they do. Therefore I do not keep up with what is going on in their industry unless I get hit in the face with it. For instance, I did not know who the Dixie Chicks were until they insulted George Bush. I can’t name many other performers in the country world, let alone know their songs. Even with the Dixie Chicks, I probably wouldn’t recognize them in the street.

Once I had a conversation with Vinnie Jones. Since his name meant nothing to me, I didn’t really make much of it. I’m sure there would be people in Europe who would be stunned at my ignorance. I still don’t think it was a big deal.

In my experience, celebrities are like everyone else. Some are nice. Some are jerks. So they’re millionaires, big deal.  

Self-indulgence

What I love about blogs is that they are so self-indulgent. Anything goes.

You are always right. If someone makes a comment you don't like - delete.

You can write complete crap if you want.

Make up your own language. Yeah, you might not have regular readers if you do that.

But it's your blog. You can do what you want.

Lost cause.

We all take the cards in our wallet for granted until the wallet goes missing.

Not only can people charge up your credit cards, but what will they do with your driver's license? Can we say "identity theft?" Look it up some time. People can do some scary, scary stuff with your ID.

And if your keys disappeared with your driver's license, is someone going to be able to find where you live and someday walk right into your house?

Do what you can to protect yourself. Because, yeah, you don't think it can happen to you. But it can happen to anyone.

Believe me. I know.

A nervous tick.

My sister and I went for our first hike of the season through a marshy grassland area. It was windy and cloudy and it looked like it was going to rain, but we went anyway.

On the drive home, we were just coming into the city, when I saw a black spider crawling over my hand. I asked my sister to take it off and she freaked out. It was a wood tick.

We pulled up to a nearby pizza place and took off our sweaters and shook them out. Four more ticks.

Then, over lunch, I found another tick, so like any good responsible citizen would do, I flicked it across the restaurant. I should have put it in my salad to get a free meal.

On the drive home from the restaurant my sister found another tick on her hand, so she rolled open the window and stuck her arm out, shaking her arm and screaming. The guy who was standing on the street nearby found this funny.

We found three more wood ticks at home. I threw them outside for the family dog to pick up later. Wood ticks are virtually impossible to kill - have you ever tried stepping on one?

Coincidence?

Do you ever notice your bathroom items run out all at once?

So you find yourself at the story buying dental floss, toothpaste, shampoo, conditioner and soap all at once.

Whenever I end up at the store buying these items all at once I have to refrain from telling the cashier: "I'm not new to personal hygiene. I've had showers before. Honest."

Drowning

I watched the David Blaine: Drowned Alive special and have since been pondering the phrase “drowned alive”

To drown one must be alive and in need of oxygen. You cannot drown if you are dead, so you would drown alive.

And to be drowned is the past tense of drown, in which case you would be dead. So it is impossible to be drowned and be alive, unless you are almost drowned. And David Blaine did not almost drown.

Drowned can also mean to be completely submerged in water, but that is no great feat. I can completely submerge myself in water if only for a moment and be drowned alive.

Also, the title is close to what he titled a stunt back in 1999 called Buried Alive, which was never really a creative title.

His other stunt titles could also be scrutinized: Vertigo, Frozen in Time and Above and Below.

Deconstruction is fun.

Foreshadowing

Sometimes I wonder if life, like movies and books, has foreshadowing events.

Like on Saturday afternoon I watched the First Daughter, which is a fluffy movie about the President’s daughter having a romantic relationship with one of her secret service officers.

Then, that evening, I got an impromptu invitation to go to The Sentinel, a movie that I knew nothing about. I agreed to go anyway.

As it turns out the movie was, in part, about a secret service officer who has an affair with the President’s wife. It was another fluffy movie.

Watching the First Daughter foreshadowed how I would spend my evening, but I did not heed the warning and ended up watching two very mediocre movies.

Association Games

It’s weird how television can influence our thoughts.

I’ve been making my way through the TV series Buffy the Vampire Slayer for the first time recently. There is a popular musical episode called “Once more with Feeling” about a demon that makes people dance and sing until they are so worked up they burst into flames.

In one scene, a dancing Buffy is spinning around so fast that she is literally starting to smoke.

So anyway, I was at a men’s figure skating event. While watching the skaters spin faster and faster, a weird thought walked across my mind: “The figure skaters could spontaneously combust doing those spins.”

I shook the thought out of my head.

It’s weird how our mind makes connections. It’s not so much word association as concept and image association. And it’s funny how and when those associations work.

Cops

Sometimes I wonder if cops get frustrated when they are driving.

The police might want to speed a little. You know, go 10 kilometres over the speed limit like the average driver does.

But the people driving in front of the police are deliberatly driving slower, because they fear getting a ticket.

Meaning police likely always have to travel 10 kilometres slower than the speed limit, because of people terrified of getting a ticket.

A New Taste

Peanut butter and pickle sandwiches—Yep, apparently there are some people out there who eat them on a regular basis.

And they think it’s normal.

Now I’m a regular consumer of the peanut butter and banana sandwich. And, occasionally, I will have peanut butter and jam. I would also not be above peanut butter and chocolate chip sandwiches.

But the thought of peanut butter and pickle sandwiches literally makes my stomach turn. It’s just wrong.

That said, I’ve met two people now, who work in the same office, who claim to love peanut butter and pickle sandwiches. They are how I learnt that such an abomination even existed.

One of those people brought in such a sandwich for me to try. You can imagine my horror when I saw the sandwich sitting on my desk.

I stared at it. It stared at me. I had to at least try it. It was made for just me.

I held it up to my mouth, and then put it down. I held it up to my mouth, and then put it down.

I finally took a very tiny bite. I tasted peanut butter and followed by pickle.

I contemplated the taste. It wasn’t horrible. But still my stomach was turning in discomfort.

I took another tiny bite. Again, not horrible, but my stomach, at this point, started screaming: “NO!”

I listened to my stomach and threw the sandwich in the garbage.

I tried, but my stomach just couldn’t do it.

Besides, perhaps the whole peanut butter and pickle thing was just a cruel joke, because no one really eats peanut butter and pickle sandwiches. Do they?

Girl Power

Why is it that males lead the way in competitive sports?

In snowboarding, if a female gets some big air, you will hear the announcer say: “Wow. You usually only see that kind of air with the men.”

Gretchen Bleiler, the 2006 Olympic silver medallist in the women’s halfpipe said:

“Men and women are built differently, and in the end, men are generally more powerful and technical than women.”

She goes on to contradict herself by saying there are some women who can hit the same tricks as men.

Women are always able to hit the same tricks as men. It just takes women longer to get to that level.

It is men who revolutionize the sport and women eventually follow in those footsteps.

Men have been landing the quad in figure skating for years. Men are required to do the jump. Women are required only to do triples. But when Miki Ando, a Japanese figure skater, landed the quad in international competition the door opened up. In the next 10 years, women doing quads will become commonplace. It would be nice to take these women and transport them back in time to compete in an era where men weren’t yet attempting quads. That way these women would be revolutionizing the sport instead of men.

It would be nice to take professional skateboarders Vanessa Torres and Lyn-Z Adams Hawkins and transport them to compete before the Z-Boys ever tore up the scene back in the 70s. Then it would be two women who revolutionized the sport instead of three guys.

In my experience doing karate, women are timid and afraid to try. They need time to build up their courage. Where as beginner men are almost suicidal – they’ll go at it full-tilt even if they have wrong technique. But when a woman realizes she is fully capable, she becomes equal and sometimes better than her male competitors. I’ve seen it happen more than once.

Still water runs deep.

I am not an emotional person. Actually, I take that back. I’m very emotional. It’s just I’m a “crying-on-the-inside” girl.

All my emotions are contained in a stainless steel cylinder. Occasionally, I surprise myself when a single tear falls down my cheek.

Think Warf from Star Trek Enterprise, or better yet Mr. Darcy from Pride and Prejudice. It’s just the way I am. If I was capable of expressing my emotions publicly, I would, but it’s too awkward for me.

As a result, people treat me like I’m not human. They assume I’m hardened and callous, which is not true at all. It’s a misunderstanding.

I cry during the sad parts of movies. It’s just on the inside. Just because I don’t show the hurt, doesn’t mean there isn’t pain.

People often don’t get me gifts, because they think I don’t appreciate them. But I do. I just don’t gush. No matter how grateful I am, no matter how cute I think something is, I won’t show it.

My lack of visible emotion is a disability. It keeps me distant from others.

I’ve come to believe the people who seem the hardest on the outside are probably the people who feel emotion the most.

Anger

Anger can be a weird beast.

It can sneak up on you when you least expect it. And you can explode over the silliest things.

Anger can be like living on a fault line. Mostly you experience little rumblings over the years. But occasionally there are large scale earthquakes that bring about disaster.

Spring can really hang you up the most...

Spring snuck up on me this year.

It feels like it should still be winter. I was wearing my heavy winter coat a few days into April when my co-workers pointed out that it was no longer winter. It was going up to 20 degrees Celsius (69 degrees Fahrenheit). And I was like "Oh. Really?"

Somehow, I was still living in March. I'm amazed it's warm out.

I've been in the cold for so long, I'm having a tough time adapting. And that's weird, because it was a fairly mild winter.

All blogged out...

Blogs are a lot of work, especially when you start getting regular readers that you have to entertain.

Regular readers can't possibly know when you're busy, when you're in a rut or when you've just plain old fallen off the band wagon, even if only for a week or two.

But a blogger should persevere and keep going, even when it gets tough. Because there is nothing worse than seeing a blogger commit blog suicide - deleting thier blog all together.

You gotta keep on blogging in the free world.

Fate

Does fate exist?

Do you ever notice that when you get on the wrong track, life seems to auto-correct itself? It eventually seems you end up being where you need to be.

But is it possible to get so far off track that life can't correct itself?

Are there really wrong decisions to be made in life? Everything is a learning experience. And learning is important.

C'est vrai?

The Frontier

"The future is called "perhaps," which is the only possible thing to call the future. And the only important thing is not to allow that to scare you." - Tennessee Williams, Orpheus Descending, 1957

It's the unknown that makes the future scary, which is why I wish I had a crystal ball. It would make tough decisions easier.

Getting there

Whenever I talk to high school kids going into university who say they are going to be a doctor or a lawyer or whatever, I tell them: "Wait and see."

It's not that I want to discourage them from their career goals. It's just life has a funny way of taking over, leading you to where you least expected to be.

If you look back over your last 10 years did things turn out how you expected them to for better or for worse?

There is no way of knowing where you'll end up next. Try as you may.

Sure you can plan, but things might not turn out to be what you expected.

Life is funny.

A Greater Message

I've always believe that the universe is trying to tell you something when you keeping running into an acquaintance you wouldn't normally see regularly.

Unfortunately, I've never been able to figure out what the universe is trying to tell me. Putting my run ins with people together, it seems nothing more than a strange coincidence.

Fast Food Nation

We were raised to crave the foods we crave.

What kind of sadistic society do we live in that raises us to crave chocolate and pop instead of carrots and eggplant.

We are continually being sold things that are bad for us - Big Macs and cigarettes.

Let's make a buck well we can. Who cares if the product gives people lung cancer and heart problems.

It's a sick, sick world.

Oh Canada!

I am always amazed at how Canadians have an identity and culture unique to Americans.

You would think being neighbours to the U.S.A., we would be completely absorbed. But yet we have our own issues.

Our politics are completely different. And we have our own TV shows that make fun of our politics and current events - like the Rick Mercer Report. Although Lorne Michaels, one of the masterminds behind Saturday Night Live, is Canadian.

When it comes to Canadian culture we have Tim Horton's and "Roll up the Rim." Tonight I caught myself counting my Canadian Tire money and contemplating what I would buy with it.

A lot of our popular music is often a part of the underground scene in the U.S.A.

The Bare Naked Ladies have been successful in Canada for over 14 years. But it took a long time for them to catch on in the U.S. The Bare Naked Ladies were first listened to by American college students before hitting it big on the American airways. The Bare Naked Ladies maybe only have been popular in America for half their career - but they were huge in Canada long before that.

Canadian television is often weird and I think it's starting to rub off on Americans. Was the American TV show Arrested Development really that new and innovative or had its creator watched a little too much CBC in his day.

Any Canadian can name any Canadian actor or actress that has made it big in the States.

I don't know maybe Canada influences the States as much as they influence Canada. It's just neither country really realizes it.

Although, then again my spellcheck tried to replace the CBC for CBS.

Forgiveness

"The things that people in love do to each other they remember, and if they stay together it's not because they forget, it's because they forgive." - Indecent Proposal

But the question is what is forgivable and what isn't?

Even if the two of you are deeply in love, one of you could still commit an unforgivable act.

Or can people that deeply in love really hurt each other? When in love, you are more likely concerned about what your loved one is feeling.

Or are you?

Ice and Rubber

Why is it when you are small you can fall to the ground with little injury?

Yeah, as a kid you might cry about it, but in terms of actual injury, you're fine.

I guess kids are closer to the ground.

As an adult, if you fall on the ice, you get more scrapes and bruises. Your back aches for four days and you've thrown out your shoulder.

As you get even older, the probability of breaking something becomes even higher.

As we age, we go from rubber to glass.

Single Notes

Ian McNeice wrote that being single is a constant battle with optimism.

How true.

When single we always wonder: Will I be single forever? Will the next guy be the one? Or will the next guy be another miserable drama?

A bad day...

A recent bad day started off by dropping cantaloupe guts on my foot and then, later, slipping on ice outside of work in front of my boss.

The Perfect Date

Often the best dates are simple, like a walk on the beach.

The best dates occur when you and your date are yourselves and just click. Everything happens naturally.

During a good date nothing is forced. The conversation isn't awkard and the kiss just feels right.

The best way to doom a date is to plan it and plan it and plan it. With all that planning, there is too much pressure. It is expected to be perfect. And what is "perfect" anyway?

Perhaps spontaneous dates are best.

The Oscars

A war could break out the same night as the Oscars and sadly not many would care about the war.

Why are the Oscars so widely watched? Why do we care what the celebrities are wearing?

The speeches are the most pretentious ever. Let me paraphrase what was said Sunday night: "The movies are so important. What we do is so important."

But in actuality it's like: "Dude you're an actor who makes way too much money. You're not the prime minister. You make movies - not cause wars."

And then there was Reese Witherspoon's speech about how she tries to make serious movies that make a difference. Her career has largely consisted of movies like Legally Blonde, Sweet Home Alabama and Election.

All she did was die her hair brown and play the girlfriend of a singer. It was no Syriana or Crash. It didn't really try to teach the world of its own inhumanities.

Brutal.

There should be more mirrors out there. That way when you run into a cute guy, and smile at him, you don't have to feel embarrassed.

Because, an hour later, you realize your hair was a wind blown mess with a piece of straw stuck in it.

Not only did the cute guy see you this way, but so did everyone else in the free world who you encountered in the last hour.

Brutal.

There should be more mirrors out there. That way when you run into a cute guy, and smile at him, you don't have to feel embarrassed.

Because, an hour later, you realize your hair was a wind blown mess with a piece of straw stuck in it.

Not only did the cute guy see you this way, but so did everyone else in the free world who you encountered in the last hour.

The more you suffer...

"I wrote her off for the tenth time today . . . But she came over. I lost my nerve. I took her back and made her dessert. Now I know I'm being used . . . I know she's playing with me . . . That happens more than I'd like to admit." - The Offspring

Why do we find ourselves in such situations? Are we just suckers with no self-esteem?

Sometimes we put up with people's crap just so we can be in a relationship. We say it's because we love them, but we don't. Because our right person would never treat us that way.

Yet we can get so "I need to be in a relationship" obsessed that we can find ourselves putting up with anything.

An Empty Menu

I recently went to a restaurant with no chicken. They were all out. No chicken breasts, no chicken fingers. Could it get any weirder?

You think that the manager would notice they were running low and send someone to the store for an emergency pick up. But no.

When we asked if they had milkshakes. The response was: "Well we have milk and we have chocolate ice cream. So, yeah, I guess I could make one."

That is when we should have put the tip on the table and started deducting 50 cents every time the waitress said something else stupid.

Let's just say there wouldn't have been much of a tip left.

If only...

Have you ever met that person who is your perfect match? But they're the same sex, the opposite sex but gay, or just too old or too young.

How many times have you said: "If my best friend was a man I would marry her in a heart beat."

Have you ever met that person who is your perfect match? The two of you hung out together, but neither of you could get up the courage to bump it up to the next level. And the relationship fizzled and died in all the sexual frustration.

These are the dating what ifs that haunt us. What if we found the one but we didn't realize?

Or maybe God is tortuing you by making your perfect match a gay male and you female.

Dilemma

When it comes to measuring success at the Olympics? Do you go by the number of golds a country has won or by the number of medals overall?

If you only count golds to mark success, what's the point of giving out silver or bronze?

After all being second is like being the first loser.

A dog eat dog world.

It's been said that cats possess masculine dating traits and dogs, well, they possess the female.

A dog, like many women in a relationship, can get a little needy. Dogs would rather be out on an evening stroll with you than having to be stuck at home while you are out with the guys.

A cat doesn't care if his owner is out with the girls. He could use the alone time.

A dog, like some women, likes to binge eat and will go for the whole cake if no one is around to see.

A dog, like many women, is overly affectionate. Dogs will greet you at the door and try to cuddle with you at inappropriate times. Dogs just don't give you any space. They always want to follow you around and spend every waking moment with you.

And that list could go on.

Scarves.

When you live in a cold and horrible winter climate it becomes necessary to wear a scarf in the winter, and sometimes it is so cold you need two scarves.

While scarves keep you warm, they often impede in shoulder checking when driving. You just can't get your head as far around with a scarf.

Plus, sometimes the tail ends of your scarf stick up and block your view.

However, scarves are useful when worn up over your face, as they hide the fact that you enjoy singing in your car.

Say cheese.

Online dating is a safe place for people to use cheesy lines without being laughed at by the opposite sex.

Only when online dating would a guy use the name "Sir Hugs A Lot," or use the tag line "Do you have a name? Or can I call you mine?"

Please!

But then again, at least "Sir Hugs A Lot" shows a little more personality than "Nice Guy 916."

Then there are the tag lines like: "Just trying this for fun" or "Are you the one?"

Whatever, Mr. Original. Do you put as much thought into your relationships as you do your profile?

Catty much?

Do you ever wonder why a lot of single girls have cats?

Well, perhaps it's like practice for having a boyfriend.

Cats, like men, are aloof. They want your affection, but only when they want it. Otherwise they are most happy when alone with their toys.

Cats, like men, will meow (whine) when you don't do what they want.

Cats, like men, will wake you up in the middle of the night when they want to be pet. They don't care if you aren't in the mood.

Cats, like men, will often run away scared when you start sobbing.

And the list could go on.

Train wrecks

I was at a local pub with friends. There was an obese woman at our table, who ordered a poutine as a snack and talked about how the following day she had a bacon date with her friend. As she explained it, she and her friend like to get together and eat bacon.

Everyone around the table's eyes went big. We were all thinking "OMG," because it was clear that this woman's eating habits were destroying her health.

Of course, no one said anything, because what do you say. We're all taught to mind our own business, and it's probably just as well. Sometimes it's better to avoid confrontation then to try to prevent a train wreck.

Rebound

"The only one who should have to pay for a bad relationship is the person in your next relationship." - Miranda, Sex and the City

And that's why it sucks when you discover that you've been elected someone's rebound girlfriend.

When they find out you're not exactly . . . well, not even close . . . to their ex-girlfriend, it's all downhill from there.

Strategy

When guys like you and are thinking about making a move, they can tend to start with a hug to see how you will react. If things go horribly, at least they were able to cop one feel.

Old Hat

Men seem to treat their old girlfriends like security blankets.

Literally, when men have nothing better "to do" they come running back to women they just left.

Maybe men have short-term memories. Or maybe men second guess their decisions to leave.

But maybe men are relying on the fact that you once said you loved them, and they want to exploit those old feelings, because they can. When the night is over, they'll be gone and you end up feeling used.

That's why you have to cut off ex-boyfriends forever.

Just remember you will survive, so change your stupid lock and make your ex leave his key.

Ms. Jones

Why was "Bridget Jones's Diary" such a popular movie? Because it is true to life for a lot of women. They are worried about their weight, yet they can't curb their eating. A few extra pounds and looking for love - because there is nothing worse than spending your life alone.

As Bridget Jones says so well:

"I suddenly realized that unless some thing changed soon, I was going to live a life where my major relationship was with a bottle of wine and I'd finally die fat and alone and be found three weeks later, half-eaten by wild dogs."

Like Bridget, many women picture their wedding to a guy as soon as he expresses an interest.

If men want to understand the unspoken thoughts of many women, watch Bridget Jones's Diary. You might not like it, but it's true. A lot of women are secretly that neurotic, if only in their heads.

Hugs and Kisses

Why is it the one day you sleep in, skip the shower and deodorant to get to work on time, is the one day the guy you like gives you a big holiday hug?

Animal Attraction

When you meet a guy at a pet store and he's buying a big bag of dog food and you're buying a big bag of cat food, can the relationship really work out?

Clearly he's a dog person and you a cat person. Cats and dogs don't get along.

When there's a fundamental lifestyle difference or opinion should you still give the person a chance?

Should a non-smoker try to date a smoker? Can someone from the political left date someone from the political right? Should someone who wants to have kids date someone who doesn't?

These are the deal breakers.

Now a person can get rid of their cat or their dog. And a smoker can quit. But that's a long way to go for love, if it is indeed love.

And why give up a loyal pal, such as your cat, who has been with you through more boyfriends and break ups than you care to remember.

You and your pet are a package deal. Or are they?

Guess Work.

"Computerized dating can save a lot of guesswork - but so can a bikini." -Ed Parrish

Drugs

"Maybe all men are a drug. Sometimes they get you down and sometimes they get you so high!" - Carrie Bradshaw, Sex and the City

Decision

"Be sure of your choices; you're stuck with them forever." - Life's Little Instruction Calendar Volume XI

Talk about pressure. Yikes! No room for error.

That's why life is a learning game.

Go away. Go away. Go away.

There are some ex-boyfriends who should just drop off the face of the planet. It would just be better for all those involved.

Like the ex-boyfriend who occasionally sends you little tokens in the mail out of the blue. Is it to show you that they still think about you? Or do they just want to see what sort of emotions they can still evoke?

Seeing their name on an envelope can make your heart stop, even if you haven't thought about them in months.

And then you call them to thank them and they tell you that they got their new girlfriend to mail it.

All they wanted to do is pick off the scabs and rub salt in the wounds. What next are they going to stab you in the heart? Oh wait. They ripped that out long ago.

Sadistic bastards like that are those that should really, really drop off the face of the planet.

A way of life.

For athletes, their sport is their way of life.

I'm not a high performance athlete like those in the Olympics, but I do train karate three to four times a week.

There's only so much you can learn and you learn that very quickly. You spend the rest of your life trying to perfect those "basics." And that's all there is to most sports.

Yeah, practice can be tedious. And, amazingly, you can push past injury like nobody's business.

Athletes get hurt all the time. They get torn whatevers and broken bones. They won't let a little injury slow them down. I used to think that was crazy, until I lost my toenail in a match. Although it hurt, I didn't flinch and kept on going. Adrenaline has a lot to do with it, as well as a neurotic need to keep on going no matter what. I can't explain it.

Sport can be like an addiction. You don't want to give it up for one night, even to let an injury heel.

Although, someone got their tooth knocked through their lip in karate this weekend. I don't know if I can handle that one.

Lesbians

Why do guys always, at some point, have to bring up the idea of a threesome?

That is so uncool.

If the girl is really into you, she doesn't want to share. And if she ends up playing the supporting role, while the other girl stars, you better watch out. Because someone in a threesome always has to play the supporting role, like that's fun.

And guys, if it's not cool for you to do a threesome with another guy and a girl, then why do you think it would be cool for a girl to do it with another girl and a guy?

Haven't you ever seen the movie "Threesome" or "Chasing Amy?" It will just make the relationship awkward.

A threesome is a fantasy. And that's the way it should stay - a fantasy.

Plus, where are you going to get the second girl from? I mean, really. You? You had enough trouble getting the girl you have to sleep with you.

The benefit to being a girl...

"Whenever I want a really nice meal, I start dating again." - Susan Healy

And the meal is usually free.

Unwelcome News!

When being single, and having to face up to the usual family Christmas conversation that revolves around the spinster-tragedy that is your life, there is no worse news than that from a recently engaged colleague.

She writes: "I am so happy. I hope everyone's holidays are going as well as mine."Rub it in a little more.

Guys, once and a while...

1. Buy a girl flowers for no reason at all.

2. Tell the girl you like her just the way she is and mean it. (You better mean it, otherwise why are you dating her?)

3. Give her a hug when she has a bad day.

4. Make her supper and bake a cake too.

5. Take her somewhere to do something she has never tried before . . . like rock climbing.

And by the way, you'll notice that this list is about showing that you care.

If you really want to win a girl's heart, that's all you've got to do is show her that you care. And if you can do it creatively and romantically, more power to you.

Sex is secondary. It really is.

Brrr....

I hate when it gets so cold out that your watch freezes and stops working after you've only been outside for a couple of hours.

At minus 47 degrees Celsius (that's minus 52.6 degrees Fahrenheit), it can get pretty cold even when you are indoors. Those are the days you just want to stay in bed and watch TV. Unfortunately, people expect you to still go to work. After all, you can't let a little cold weather stop you from doing your job.

Although, I think there should be a federal law that says you don't have to go outside when the temperature dips below minus 25 degrees Celsius, if you are working in a non-essential service industry. (That's minus 13 degrees Fahrenheit).

Now, of course, where I live, that would mean, during some years, I would get half the winter off. But I don't really have a problem with that.

Pointless

Guys who say they aren't looking to be in a relationship right now are difficult to understand.

What's the point of dating someone if there is no possibility of a blooming relationship?

You're not looking for something serious. Well, chances are the girl is looking for something that will grow to be more serious.

Why should a girl waste her time on such a guy?

When a guy says they are not looking for anything serious, that is a girl's cue to run far away and fast. Because that sort of guy is just looking to use her.

Cynical Much?

"Whenever I date a guy, I think, 'Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?'" -Rita Rudner

Taking a chance

"Don't forget that the words, 'Would you like to join me for coffee?' can result in one of the greatest romances of all time." - Life's Little instruction Calendar Volume XI

Those words can also lead to one of the greatest disasters of all time too.

But you don't know until you try.

Taking a chance

"Don't forget that the words, 'Would you like to join me for coffee?' can result in one of the greatest romances of all time." - Life's Little instruction Calendar Volume XI

Those words can also lead to one of the greatest disasters of all time too.

But you don't know until you try.

You've Got Mail.

The worst invitations to get in the mail when you are single are the ones that say "You and one guest are invited to..."

It always sucks to have to RSVP and say: "It will just be me."

Hockey

Olympic men's hockey can be divided into two leagues: the teams of NHL members and those teams that aren't.

The NHL teams dominate. And so, as of late, it usually always comes down to Canada and the U.S. (In fact, in women's hockey, it really is a two team tournament, because Canada and the U.S. will cakewalk to the final).

But I wonder if for hockey teams, like Italy (which has no NHL hockey members), if it is a thrill to play teams like Canada (which is made up entirely of NHL players and is coached by the Great One).

I mean who has the chance to play hockey against NHL players? Don't regular Joes pay money to do that while on dream vacations?

Sure, the Italians got walloped, but they got the experience to play against the best of the best. Now surely as a weaker team there is something that can be learned from that.

Of course, one can argue it is unfair to put in teams that are NHL only.

Foolish Games

Some of us have an ex that has nine lives.

You really loved him or her. They hurt you badly, as in "wrenching pain that brought you to your knees sobbing" badly.

But they have the power to win you back and hurt you again. Then win you back once more so they can hurt you.

But a part of you will always love them. And for that, you are always willing to give them a chance, and then another chance.

Two years go by, and you think they are out of your life completely, until you meet them on the street one day. You thought you were over them, but the very sight of them gives you the butterflies . . . so you give them another chance.

"Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me." But fool me three times and then four, and then five times. . . well, it's because I live in faith that one day you'll grow up and stop fooling.

Many of us have an ex like that. The only way to escape him or her is if they get married and move to the other side of the world . . . Because no matter what they do, when they come calling, you can't say no to them.

There is always that part that loves them foolishly and unconditionally. And it is that love that drowns out whatever hate you should be feeling for them when you see them.

Olympics

The Olympics . . . one of the few times in a blue moon that I actually pay attention to sports.

I think the appeal to me is watching people who live their dreams.

I like watching the all or nothing attitude. If you try big, you can fail big . . . or you can win big.

What it should look like...

"Love, like a river, will cut a new path whenever it meets an obstacle." - Crystal Middlemas

Babies

You can tell a lot about yourself by how you react to other people's news.

For instance, my friend just told me she is pregnant with her second child. She is in the perfect position to start a family. She has a good job and so does her husband. Both are entitled to take shared maternity leave.

When she told me she was pregnant, I was like: "What are you kidding me? Are you crazy? Isn't one kid already enough?" Of course, I didn't say that out loud. Instead I said congratulations.

But I guess I'm a "one kid kind of gal" based on my reaction to her news. Because to me, one kid is probably enough of a handful. Why take on a second burden? Plus why put your body through the pain and discomfort for a second time? Isn't once enough?

Be mine...

Valentine's Day is like Christmas for some people. People in a relationship want the day to be perfect, but usually the day turns out to be anticlimatic.

And people who are alone end up feeling lonlier than normal.

It's just another commercial holiday aimed at selling greeting cards. It's a holiday that can make us feel miserable.

It's like Christmas.

Except unlike Christmas, it's okay to pretend that Valentine's Day doesn't exist. Push the day out of your mind. Make it a day like any other.

Songs

I always laugh at myself whenever I discover that I have completely misheard the lyrics to a certain song.

I thought the words to a favourite punk song were: "My new job is a piece of sh*t." When it turns out the lyrics were in fact: "I need a job just to sleep in sheets." I guess my music isn't as vulgar as I thought it was.

My favourite example of mishearing the lyrics is when a friend of mine thought the words to the song "Bad Moon Rising" were: "There's a bathroom on the right," instead of "There's a bad moon on the rise."

Online Dating

The popularity of online dating is picking up.

Apparently some people are going on five or six dates a week thanks to online dating. Some people even go on three or four dates a night.

These serial daters know what they want in a partner, so they give each of their dates a 20-minute in-person interview. And when that person turns out to not be the one, it is out the door for them.

Can you really screen people that quickly? Doesn't romance take time to grow?

If you go through dates so quickly, won't you be too cynical to know when the right person comes along. Yeah, sure that person might like dogs, and you cats. But still if given a chance . . . it can go somewhere. Can't it?

Since when did dating become like a job interview? Can love really be found that way?

Loneliness

"My love life was getting so bland. There are only so many ways I can make love with my hand. Sometimes it makes me want to laugh. Sometimes I want to take my toaster in the bath."- Blink 182

Sometimes you wonder if that box of condoms you keep in your underwear drawer is going to expire before you have sex again . . . even if the expiry date is two years away.

Fatal Attraction

Apparently, the easiest way to make a woman who is a six look like a 10 is to act jealous when your man checks her out.

Instead, it is best to act like you don't even notice her. Just act like everything is normal and cool. Continue to carry on the conversation and he'll think you're the 10.

Rejection

A rejection is a blow to our ego, especially when it is by someone we really liked.

Rejection can have us running to our mirrors to examine our warts and all. And if you get rejected enough, you begin to look for the mutant tail possibly growing from your behind.

Rejection can get you wanting to make a cocoon of your blanket, so you never have to leave your bed again.

Is it you? Are you really a horrible person? Or is it them? Do they just not know what they are missing? They just don't get you.

After a long dry spell in your dating life, should you give up and accept your life as a singleton?

"When it comes to life and love, why do we believe our worst reviews?" Carrie Bradshaw asked on Sex and the City.

But, then again, is their love out their for everyone?

We can't give up hope.

Get a life.

You know you need to get out more when you start to feel like a rebel for running a yellow light.

Loudness

I always find it amusing, after spending an early morning in quiet solitude, when I jump after getting into my car and being blown away by the blaring punk CD I left in my player.

Upon starting my car this morning, my moment of solitude was broken with the lines: "My new job is a piece of sh*t." Ah, you have to love punk music - so blunt and to the point.

Singleton Sports Pages

Seniors read the obituaries with a great deal of interest, as they are sadly getting to the age when everyone they know is passing away.

Twenty and thirty-somethings read the wedding announcements so they can count the people they know, or once knew, that are getting married.

When you're single in your late 20s and early 30s you can usually count, with one hand, the number of friends you have who are still single.

When you are in your late 30s and early 40s, you may likely be able to count, with both hands, the number of friends you have that are divorced.

Perhaps this is because people get married too quickly. And maybe, subconsciously, they do it for the sake of getting married. They overlook a person's problem qualities because they want them to be Mr. or Mrs. Right.

Singleton Sports Pages

Seniors read the obituaries with a great deal of interest, as they are sadly getting to the age when everyone they know is passing away.

Twenty and thirty-somethings read the wedding announcements so they can count the people they know, or once knew, that are getting married.

When you're single in your late 20s and early 30s you can usually count, with one hand, the number of friends you have who are still single.

When you are in your late 30s and early 40s, you may likely be able to count, with both hands, the number of friends you have that are divorced.

Perhaps this is because people get married too quickly. And maybe, subconsciously, they do it for the sake of getting married. They overlook a person's problem qualities because they want them to be Mr. or Mrs. Right.

True Dat!

"We were having one of those great first dates you can only have when it's not an actual date." -Carrie Bradshaw, Sex and the City

We've all been there.

Weighty Matters.

"Never give anyone you're dating a diet book." -Life's Little Instruction Calendar Volume XI

Thank you Captain Obvious!!

But really what do you do if the person you are dating starts putting on a little weight, or a lot of weight. If you really like them, it shouldn't matter. Should it?

Chocolate

I have a rule that I can only eat junkfood if it is given to me or if I buy it from charity.

Lately, there has been someone at work selling chocolate bars to raise money for amputees. It is sold by the honour system. They leave the chocolate bars in the lounge and whoever buys a chocolate bar leaves the money and takes a chocolate bar.

Anyhow I was buying a lot of chocolate bars - chocolate is my weakness - and was releaved when the bag of chocolate bars was emptied. But then, shortly after, another bag was brought in, and now a third ... and I keep buying chocolates.

I might as well give the charity my bank account number.

On true love . . .

"Some people are settling down. Some people are settling. And some people refuse to settle for anything less than butterflies." -Carrie Bradshaw, Sex and the City

As for the people who won't settle for anything less than butterflies, are they expecting too much?

Maybe they'll never find their butterflies.

The Sequel: A single fear.

In Buffy the Vampire Slayer (Season 3, Episode 20), Anya, the demon-turned-human, who is still developing her first human feelings, asks Xander to the prom.

Because of Anya's demon past, she has a lot of contempt for men. She was a demon who punished men who were unfaithful to their girlfriends and wives.

Anya: "I have witnessed a millennium of treachery and oppression from the males of the species and I have nothing but contempt for the whole libidinous lot of them."

Xander: "Then why are you talking to me?"

Anya: "I don't have a date to the prom . . . All I know is I really want to go to this dance and I want someone to go with me."

Despite the fact that she hates all men, she still couldn't go to the dance alone.

While that is an extreme example, many people feel they need a date . . . enough people to keep escort services busy anyway.

Why do we fear being alone? Why do so many people lack the ability to be alone?

Napoleon Dynamite Days

There are days when I feel like Napoleon Dynamite, where I probably look like an eccentric weirdo.

Like today, when I was out in the cold, walking up the hill near my work. I had my big Sorel boots on and a plastic bag in hand. I had my scarf around my face and my toque on, looking like a kindergarten kid wrapped up by her mother, on her way to school. But hey, it was really cold out!

I'm sure I had a ho-hum look on my face and was probably walking slow and without purpose. I probably could have been one of those characters right out of Napoleon Dynamite (had it been shot in the winter and in a place that gets snow).

But what can I say, it was one of those days.

A point on men.

There is a telling scene about men in Buffy the Vampire Slayer (Season Three, Episode 20) when Anya, a demon turned human, who is just starting to gain human feelings, asks Xander to the prom.

Xander is resistant, so Anya says: "Look I know you find me attractive. I see you looking at my breasts."

Xander says: "Nothing personal, but when a guy does that, it just means his eyes are open." (It doesn't mean that he likes her).

But in the end, Xander goes with Anya because he doesn't have any other potential dates for the prom.

Sometimes I think if a man really wants to get laid, or really wants a date to the prom, or whatever, he will lower the bar and take the last woman standing if he must.

That's why there are prostitutes with three teeth who are able to maintain a steady business.

Morons

One of my favourite comic strips is Get Fuzzy, by Darby Conley. Sometimes I wish I could act like the cat Bucky, like when he calls Rob a moron:

Bucky: "Gee Robert . . . I never knew you spoke fluent moron. So were you a moron major in college, or did you listen to moron tapes in your car. Or did your parents both speak moronic as a first language."

There are some people I wish I could say that too.